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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27585607">Another Deep Breath</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deviant_Donghun/pseuds/Deviant_Donghun'>Deviant_Donghun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides One Shots [49]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, No Dialogue, past analogical</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:43:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27585607</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deviant_Donghun/pseuds/Deviant_Donghun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Virgil still misses and loves Logan, he's still hurt about the way they broke up, but he's content to simply be in his life. Even if it is just as a friend of a friend that he barely ever spoke to again. Even if that meant having his lungs slowly fill with flowers as he grew closer and closer to death.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides One Shots [49]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1962379</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Another Deep Breath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a song fic based on "I Hate U I Love U" by gnash.<br/>Daffodils are commonly linked to unrequited love and I used a purple one to keep with Virgil's theme.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Virgil took a deep, shuddering breath. Patton looked over at him but Virgil just waved him off. He forced himself to watch as Logan smiled when Remus entered the room, watched as the nerd stood and swiftly crossed the room to throw himself into Remus’ arms, their matching engagement rings flashing as they embraced. He watched as they shared a kiss before moving to sit down, Remus practically in Logan’s lap.</p><p>Virgil knew he was doing it for the best, that Logan was happier without him, but he also knew that it hurt to do. He felt that usual tickle in the back of his throat and excused himself from the friend group that had started arguing over what movie they were going to watch. He moved to the bathroom, where he started to cough into a handkerchief that he’d started to carry around ever since he and Logan had broken up.</p><p>He pulled it away and groaned at the blood and purple daffodil petals that littered the surface. He took another deep breath, trying to forget about the flowers growing in his lungs, the ticking of the clock on his life drastically shortened by this break-up, trying to ignore the feelings he still had for Logan that he couldn't give up no matter how much they hurt him both physically and mentally. Instead, he spit into the sink and washed his mouth out, desperately attempting to get rid of the copper taste in his mouth. He paused to stare into the mirror, thinking back to that day.</p><p>They’d argued. Virgil didn’t know what it was about anymore nor did that matter. All that mattered was that Virgil had crossed a line and Logan had walked out. Virgil remembered collapsing to the ground, sobbing himself into a panic attack. He remembered wondering when Logan was going to come back, when they were going to make up and go back to normal. He’d waited for a few hours before Logan had sent a simple text that said he thought they needed to take a break.</p><p>A few months later, he showed up to one of the friend group’s meetups with Remus on his arm.</p><p>One last deep breath, the air clawing its way past the plants in his lungs that were slowly killing him, and he was out the door and back to sitting on the couch. He tried to focus on the movie they’d chosen in his absence but his mind kept drifting back to Logan.</p><p>He laid in bed that night, awake and thinking of Logan for what must have been nearly the thousandth time that day alone. Picking up his phone, he got all the way to the text chat and half the message typed out before he realized that Logan probably wouldn’t even bother reading it.</p><p>He was eating his lunch when he saw Logan and Remus breeze past him, hand in hand. Part of his brain was glad to see him, but another part was wondering how Remus had gotten Logan to stop eating salad for lunch every day. Sighing, Virgil looked down at the salad that had become his typical lunch.</p><p>Virgil was pining. He knew it, he knew it was happening and hated every second of it but didn’t want it to end. He didn’t want his feelings to fade, didn’t want to live without the flowers but without Logan either. Time had passed, almost two years since their break up, Logan and Remus had already gotten married by that time and had adopted a little boy named Remy. Virgil knew it was hopeless to keep holding out hope. So, he kept at it. He kept making himself watch as Logan looked at Remus like the man had hung the stars Virgil had used to watch with Logan.</p><p>One day, Virgil did something he’d always considered to be a last resort. He sat down and wrote a letter to Logan, putting all his feelings into it with the intention of burning it in the morning. Sadly, his lungs grew too crowded with flowers and not enough air and he ended up dying in his sleep.</p><p>~~~~</p><p>Logan twisted the knob and pushed the door open. Taking a deep breath and gripping Remus’ hand, he stepped into the apartment he hadn’t been in since he’d broken up with Virgil. It was different than when he’d last been there but also so very achingly familiar. His things had been replaced with more of Virgil’s items as their shared apartment was converted into a bachelor pad.</p><p>Stepping through the rooms, Logan took it all in as slowly as possible. He took in the way the spaces were all as neat as possible, something that was so inherently Virgil it hurt his heart to think about. He looked at the kitchen and missed the easy way they danced around each other while cooking, the music Virgil would sing to while he worked, the way it felt so right to do that.</p><p>He moved to the bedroom, vaguely aware of Remus staying behind. Another deep breath was taken before he entered and found Virgil’s sanctuary. He found a picture of both of them on the desk beside a larger photo of the friend group. The closet was as neat as always, Virgil always needing things in order, needing structure in a life that felt structureless, needing to control something when his life had felt out of control. Logan sat on the bed, remembering all the times he’d fallen asleep in the very room and wondering how Virgil had been doing. They hadn’t been in touch after the break up despite the fact that they were still active in the same social group.</p><p>Noticing a sealed envelope on the desk, he crossed the room to pick it up. It was addressed to him in Virgil’s cramped handwriting.</p><p>“Logan,</p><p>I know this whole letter will come off as petty and stupid but it needs to be said, needs to be put down, I need to get the words out. This isn’t about you, this won’t even make it to you if I have anything to say about it. This is just something to let the steam out with, something that will help me get over you if all goes right.</p><p>
  <strike> Who am I kidding, I’m too far gone to ever do that. </strike>
</p><p>I’m feeling used, feeling worthless, whenever I look at you. Despite that, I still miss you and still love you. I can’t see the end of this pining, can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I can see is you looking at Remus like he was the moon in the night sky that you loved so dearly, the same sky you used to compare me to.</p><p>I hate you. I hate you for making me love you and then leaving. I hate you for all the nights I’ve been unable to sleep, when all I could think about was your kiss and how you would lull me back to sleep. I hate that I love you, that I can’t get you off my mind.</p><p>I hate not being able to have lunch without your voice in the back of my head telling me to eat healthy, for sharing coffee with me so many times it aches to turn and see the full pot after getting a cup, for making  me miss the way you’d read to me on long drives. I hate that I can’t remember the nights we went to beaches, the sand in my sweaters the only proof those times even happened.</p><p>
  <strike> Do you miss me like I miss you? Do you ever wonder what we could have been?  </strike>
</p><p>I don’t mean any harm, I don’t want to destroy your relationship with Remus, I don’t envy you the loving family you created with Remus and Remy. Instead, I watch in silence, hoping that the more I see you happy with him the less I wish you were with me because I know you were miserable with me.</p><p>How is it you never noticed that you were killing me? Was it because I hid it so well? Was it because you were so caught up in your life that you didn’t have time to worry about someone you barely saw anymore? After all, I did everything I could to avoid you.</p><p>You know what? I’m happy, I’m content in my life. I know it’s only a matter of time before the flowers grow too tall, before I’m choking on my own mistakes. I know you want Remus, you’re happy with him. I know that his personality is what you want and I’ll never be him and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with my lot in life.</p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>Virgil.”</p><p>Logan had collapsed into the desk chair while reading this, and just now noticed the tears that were making their ways down his cheeks. Sniffling, he swiped at them as he carefully folded the letter, putting it back into the envelope. Turning, paper still in hand, he looked at the bed for a long moment and silently thanked Virgil for being who he was even till the end. His heart hurt and he knew it would take a while for him to recover from the loss of both a former lover and someone he’d still counted as a friend. For now, he’d mourn. He’d keep his memories with Virgil and look back on them with fondness but he also would take steps forward in his life, just as Virgil would have wanted him to do. </p>
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